Selling a Unicorn

Pet unicorn does not come with Hello Kitty. Hello Kitty was added for artistic purposes only. Rainbows, however, are real.

Times are tough. My prolonged stint of unemployment has forced me to put my invisible pet unicorn up for sale. Below are the details. You too can bid for it on eBay.

Description

Subject: Own this slightly used unicorn

Type: Magical

I have fallen on some hard times and am unable to care for Gus, my pet unicorn. This unicorn has been in our family for years, and has a lot of sentimental value to me. There was that one time when a boy fell in a well and Gus shouted down words of encouragement.

Gus has a very expensive diet of glitter and root beer floats. We are unable to afford his food, and annual immunizations against sadness.

Gus is loving, great with the kids, and an excellent guard unicorn for the elderly because he’s invisible. But he is clearly real, as you can see him farting a rainbow in the attached artist rendering. However, he isn’t completely potty trained. So sometimes he gets happiness all over the carpet, and that glitter just gets tracked all over the house. I would advise that you remove all glue and rhinestones from your house.

I’m sure Gus will go to a loving home who will care for him for many years to come since unicorns have a lifespan of forever

Hire Me

I am such a team player I

If you want to land a job you need to have a positive attitude. I’ve been told that no one is going to hire me with my attitude. And they’re right, because the phone hasn’t rung with a job offer in two years. So I’ve taken my resume and re-written it to reflect my new can-do attitude.

Experience

• Southwest district smiling champion. Placed fourth in regionals. I would have come in first but Mr. Fluffers, our office kitty, had a terrible cold. It affected me emotionally.
• Withstood pointless soul-crushing meetings.
• Consistently gave status reports on what was getting done without actually aver doing anything.
• Didn’t nap on company time. After a day of pointless meetings talking about the same topic 78 different ways, there should be a medal for that.
• Wasted their time so they didn’t have to.
• Pretended to admire my supervisors. Because when I screw up I get fired. When they screw up they get a ‘severance.’
• Showed a clear display of will power and inner peace by not choking supervisors after they had an “idea” that I had six months ago and they completely dismissed.
• Pretended to work while they pretended to pay me.

Skills

• Not sexually harassy. Unless you want me to be. Because I’m here to make you feel good.
• There is nothing that I can’t do. Unless I can’t do it. Then I’ll just blame someone else when it all falls apart. I’m flat out management material.
• No contagious rashes, meaning your employees will be itch free and productive all because of me. Can you spell ‘team player’?
• Mastery of the alphabet. This has nothing to do with anything, but I thought I would point it out. Does my competition mention their mastery of the alphabet? NO! You know why? Because they lack attention to detail. You can add that too.

Men At Work

EVIL!

I don’t even know how long it’s been since I last held an office job. I figure if I don’t count the days, it didn’t really happen. At this point you start looking at the garbage man, thinking, “I can do that.” I don’t need a career, your corporate “culture” or a bonus program. I just need a paycheckI think I could be really good at that job – it’s required that you be a complete dick. That or trash pickup is an intelligence test. Because they give you a recycling bin that requires some advance form of physics to figure out how you’re suppose to fit everything in it. But yet, the trash bin is the size of a small dumpster. Then, apparently, I get the non-aerodynamic recycling bin. Because it constantly blows over. So, being a man of leisure, I like to wait to put out the bin until the recycling truck comes in the afternoon. Although, this week, he decided to come at 8 AM.

So next week I cram in two weeks worth of recycling and put it out early. Of course, it blows over and that jackass drives right past it. Can’t you just tip it up? I can’t fit any more in that bin. Well, yes I can. I solved that little problem by letting most of it blow down the street.

This time I support the back of the recycling bin so it won’t blow over. It works and I finally get the recycling picked up, but the trash truck never showed up. Luckily, that trash bin is big enough to fit the entire neighborhood’s trash into. So I think I’m going to be able to do this without feeling the need to go down to Waste Management and shank someone.

You know, all this time, not once have I noticed any of my neighbor’s having this issue. They all have the aerodynamic recycling bins. Yet mine requires an engineering degree. The simple way to solve this would be to just put everything into the trash bin. But I feel the need to prove I’m smarter than the trash man. Because here I am with a college degree, and this guy answered his SATs by drawing a pot leaf out of the answer bubbles.

But I think I finally have it all figured out. It’s only taken me a month – have both bins out in the morning, and secure the recycling bin. The trash man shows up on time this morning. Great, now I’ll make sure the recycling bin is secure, keep an eye on it and I win.

The recycling truck pulls up to the curb. The little arm comes out and … knocks over the bin. Now, he could get out of his truck. But I swear he knows how much that bin pisses me off. So he sits there for 20 seconds trying to pick up the bin with the mechanical arm… and then just drives away. You know, if I were to do that at my job, I’d be fired. Yet, this guy will be back next week, and we’ll do this battle of wits all over again.